I Think I'm Backsliding .....

Backslide“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” -  Louise ErdrichThe Painted Drum LP

The above quote applies to what my heart has experienced in the past four weeks. I don't like writing about my personal issues on here but I've been absent. Here's why: in the space of 4 weeks, my heart was broken on 3 three different occasions by 3 different people.
The experiences of the past few weeks drained me of all energy, will and motivation that I had to do anything. My school work became a burden and I found reasons why I needed not to go church on Sunday. I was tired, exhausted and defeated. The question what did I do wrong came ringing in my head. I analyzed all the different scenarios and still could not come up with a reason why I had to experience so much pain in such a short while. But even through it all, I always had a smile on my face but my heart was bleeding.

backslidingPsalm 34:18-20 says that "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken." I know, I believe and I understand. But why then is it so difficult to see past the temporary troubles that I'm facing and just trust in God's promises? I don't know. So instead of believing in the truth of God's word, I find myself stuck in a hole, filled with the lies and deceits of the enemy.

2 Corin. 4:8-9 says "I'm pressed but not crushed, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed ..." Why then do I feel like I'm fallen, and on the ground and abandoned? Why then do I feel forgotten even though I am not forgotten? Why is it so difficult to pray and speak my mind to God? Why has it become a task to have a simple conversation with God? I'm asking a lot of questions am I not? ***sigh*** Hmmmm

I don't know. But I know I have a lot of questions in my heart, that I don't have answers to. And the longer it takes me to communicate to God about it, the farther I feel I'm being drawn away from him. So you see, this is why I have not been writing (aside from the fact that school, work, and life has been really demanding on my time). I'm in a fix. A tight corner and I need to get out but I don't know how. I am losing myself.

So, I need help. Please help me ..... help me ... Because I'm losing myself ... I mean have you ever been in this situation? What did you do? How did you get out of it?



24 comments

  1. I sincerely do understand you, try to listen to christain messages...really helps, especially t.d jakes sermons, nd u could just talk to God abt how u feel. Also , praises in tight situation like this really helps!!!!.....stay strong...its just for a season, it will pass sooner than you think

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  2. poor kitten ...pele... i know how that feels...not being one to also write my personal stuff on here i know how it can feel. all il tell u is that sometimes God calms the storm and sometimes God clams his child through the storm...and i feel that u need to know which this one is this time round ..

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  3. Dearest I know how you feel, tell yourself every minute that God loves me! try to listen to songs on God's love to lift your spirit, pls let Him know how you feel, He just want you to talk, He knows how you feel at the moment.
    You are not defeated, u are so strong as ever, cos you cud still pull a smile! which i feel is the first step to finding that inner peace. Stay Strong love!

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  4. I'm reading this almost a week after you posted,so I'm sure everything is sorted by now. There is this casting crowns song that says, I'll praise Him in the storm. I think its the best to do in these situations. Never keep quiet, if you can't speak, write to God. Put your mind on paper,but write it to God and all will be well. God bless. You attend HCC i assume, attend church on sunday, it'll be great.

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  5. I agree with Josh, no matter how you feel, find a corner and pour out your heart to God, tell him exactly how you feel; the anger, bitterness, everything. Be completely emotionally naked before Him. I love what Joyce Meyers says "God is not surprised by you" so why try to hide your feelings? He's waiting for you to lay everything before him. And as you speak/write to him, you will feel His peace .

    I definitely know how you feel, having someone you care about let you down, but sometimes the pain you're experiencing may be just where God wants you to be, so that in the loneliness you draw closer to him and realize that He'll never disappoint you, that you're going to a new stage in life and the friends you had just can't accompany you on this new journey (learned this lesson this past couple of weeks), or perhaps he wants to strip you of people that will harm you or cause you to loose your way in the future.

    Whatever you do, don't shut God out. He's all you have!!!

    And if you ever need someone to talk to, shoot me an email, I don't know you, but we're all part of God's family right?

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  6. p.S i'm praying for you!!

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  7. i would like to know if you are all better ?

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  8. Aww sweetie im so sorry to hear what you went through.I hope you are feeling better now.I have been there and the best thing to do is to go to your daddy,let him just hold you even if you dont feel like talking.He already knows how you feel.The Lord is gettind rid of people you dont need and reminding you that you can be all He called you to be with or without them.T.d jakes sermons help me alot when im down or upset.He will remind you who's daughter you are.God is STRONG in your weakness and He loves you to much to not comfort you now.This too shall pass babe..:)God Bless

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  9. Maurie,

    Thanks so much for your kind words. As you can see. It's taken me quite a while to come back and even now, I still don't feel like I'm bck.. please see my new post for more info on what I mean.. Blessings!

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  10. Janet, I just got "back". Please see my new post. Thanks for caring.

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  11. Dear Ann,

    wow! I'm blown away by your kind words. I will love to talk to you sometime. What's your email? Also, this statement right here "Whatever you do, don’t shut God out. He’s all you have!!!" stopped me dead in my tracks! That was exactly what I did, I shut him out , wondered my own way and now i'm paying the price....

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  12. Thanks Josh! But if only all your assumptions were right, things might be better... but sadly, they are not.. :)

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  13. Thank you so much Funke, God bless you.

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  14. lol Janet .. me kitten ke?... Hia! NoooOoo **kidding** you are so sweet. Thanks!

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  15. Hey girl,im glad you are doing good but where have you been on the blog.:(.I looked for a new posts but couldnt find any.I will come by again.Stay Blessed

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  16. hey how far babes....are u all better....?

    #spiritual warfare

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  17. Whatevr u r goin thru it will pass GOD WILL NEVR GVE U A CHALLENGE WTHOUT GVNG U STRENGTH 2 OVRCME OBSTACLES....JSU TRUST HIM ND RELAX COZ GOD IS IN CONTROL

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  18. I know o, sorry jare. I'm studying for this exam and I have time for nothing else... I'll post today. Promise. :D

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  19. Hmm. Well in all I personally do not think you are backsliding.

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