He's Not Married But He Has A Child, Should You Date/Marry Him?

I was at a baby shower last weekend and one way or another (as usual), the conversation drifted into relationships. We started out talking about dating and how to find the right person and I ended up sharing this story of a friend of mine. I thought I'd share it with you guys to get your opinions on it. Might I add that this is one topic that  I've never heard Christians discuss.

Funmi is a very close friend of mine. We share almost everything together. There was a time I was at her house in Lagos and we needed to go to this particular event. The event required us to get really dressed up and so taking the bus was not an option. We needed a ride. Next thing I knew, Funmi picked her phone and called this guy (Segun) and before I knew it, Segun was at the door, ready to take us to the event. I was surprised and quite impressed that Segun came on such short notice.

Segun not only took us to the event, he attended the event with us and took us back home. He was fun to hang out with, very smart and intelligent. He has a good Job and is well to do. A born again christian. More so, he could not take his eyes off my friend. Funmi also likes him (though she tried hiding it) I could tell. They were constantly teasing and poking.  When we got home, I asked her "is he asking you out?" She said yes. So what's the problem? I asked. The only "problem"? He already has a child.

Now ladies, we all know that "baby mamas" most definitely come with drama and too much drama in a relationship can be quite unhealthy. But this Segun guy is as good as they come (at least from what I could tell). I have to admit, I had mixed feelings too when she told me. I could not give her a yes or no answer. All I could tell her was that she should pray about it. So I'm putting it to you ladies, is having a child out of wedlock a deal breaker? What if the "other" woman was not in the picture? Do you want to start out your marriage taking care of another man or woman's baby?

This also goes out to the guys. Would you date or marry a woman who already has a child? Why and why not?  Guys, what are the deal breakers for such women, what will you consider? What if the lady or man was once married and got a divorce? But on the other hand, not all baby mamas come with drama. Especially if they are believers.

My personal opinion? It is in situations like these that seeking God's face become paramount. It has to be God's perfect will for you. I've never been in Funmi's shoes, so I don't know %100 what I'll do. But I do know that I'll do a lot of speaking in tongues. :D I mean as a lady, you are always going to be number 2 to him, because his child will always come first. (Except of course, you have a child of your own). You'll be putting yourself in a position of a potential stepmother or stepfather.

This is one topic that I do not have a clear answer to. Except to say that Divine Wisdom is what you should pray for. What do you think? He's Not Married But He Has A Child, Sould You Date/Marry Him?

Love!

22 comments

  1. In marriage, what matters is (are) not necessarily the 'conditions' (which could vary) you meet but, the conscious choice to love and invest in your marriage. Except for the love of God, nothing in life comes perfect, you have to consciously learn to positively invest in it to make it become what you want.

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  2. hmmm dis is an interesting one! well for me personally i agree that Gods wisdom is much needed here and will be the best direction to follow, bt at the same time you have some choices to make that need thorough scrutiny before you decide. you would want to know why he had a baby outside wedlock, if the baby mama is still around the corner(unmarried),if you can handle being a stepmother,if he really wants to life with you or just someone to care for the baby,and the circumstances surrounding the entire thing, ie how you met. all these and other things should be thought and sorted well, then take it alongside to God in prayers.he his a anwering God and am sure will direct you in d path to follow. The Bible does not support Divorce and am nt sure God will support us marrying a Divorcee, he made provision that even in the case of adultery it can still be forgiven, so consider these things well and i think you wont be misled. Gods will should be done in our lives. and we should do what Gives glory to God.

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  3. This is a delicate issue,I happen to know a friend who is in this situation as well,the best thing to do is seek the face of God for guidance

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  4. very interesting post. came across ur blog through bella naija. I see ur in the states, same applies to me. well back to your post. speaking from my own point of view, i dont have any issue dating/marrying some who has a child(as long as ur not married). lets keep it real, some guys that dont even have a child out of wedlock are not even caring, compared to the above guy. so why distant ur self from such a nice guy all because he has a child? above all, ur friend needs to be very prayerful.

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  5. Glad to have you here and you are absolutely right! Thanks,

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  6. Hmmmmm...If this were to be my own shoes, I would really pray hard to God esp if the guy is really caring.
    Chances are that the child's mother may be a problem, and the child may grow up to hate/love you....'hate' in most cases, knowing that you could be the reason his parents are not married.

    I don't really know what to advise, but this kind of issue needs serious prayers.

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  7. I must say that Nigerians like to act too spiritual. Almost every comment start or end with I will seek God for wisdom. Personally I would say it's up to the individual to decide if he or she want to stay married to the guy or lady with the child out of wedlock. Remember life is full of ups and downs. I have known my wife for 11yrs , married for 6yrs, she had a son before we met, was a abusive relationship. Today I thank God for her and won't trade her and my adopted son for anyone else

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  8. I apologize for the typographical error.

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  9. oh wow! Thanks fro sharing your story. This definitely proves that doing this does not necessarily mean it will be a disaster. God's blessings on your marriage!

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  10. you know there really is no place that the father has instructed that someone with a child shouldnt be married. the only condition he gave is on grounds on divorcing- which means you have to be married first before divorcing (Luke 16:18). if the guy was never married to the mother of his baby then there shouldnt be a problem. the issue will now lie on the lady. is she able to love the child like it were her own? is she able to see that every man to his own place. she is the wife and the child is the child. in the man's heart those two positions are different and she needs to accepotaccept that. then if she says she truely loves the man then she would love the child also. its not a disease to be stepmum to someone else's child. that child could have been hers also and wouldnt she expect love to be shown to her child- even if she wasnt married to the father?
    so for me i feel it really is no big deal..

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  11. Thanks for you input! I'm sure a lot of people will learn from this.

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  12. I concur!

    Baby mamas drama...baby dadas drama (if that ever exist), is there here or there frankly speaking in my personal opinion.

    Above all else what is paramount for one is, what is God saying? What is God is saying is the final authourity...after all he knows the future, does he not? And the scripture says he not give you more than you can handle...even if you think you cant handle it, he knows you can, so just trust him.

    Decision for marriage should not be based on circumstances or situations like rethots righfully said. What is essential for me is, is God in this? Anyone can have a baby o... anyone...If we ladies are so quick to judge the men or actually right them off....because they already have kids, we would not even consider them...question I have, if it were you, the woman that somehow some way had a child out of wedlock yourself, do we declare all hope is lost for you?

    If the man is saved and you know he is a sincere believer, abeg the most you can do is pray about it, and it is whatever God says you should follow. A person heart is much more important. You want a man that is thirst after God...the one that his heart is sold out to God...the one that even if it is hurting him...his declaration will be God, not my will but yours be done. There are loads of men without kids, in fact I tell you they could even be virgins sef...almost, kinda, sorta, and their hearts are not right.

    Yes there may be some dramas here and there, depending on who the baby mother is, but if God be for you, who can be against. Yes you may have to deal with some things, but goodness....God will not lead you to a place where he knows you will be destroyed...if he is saying go...go and just trust.

    If I were the one, if the man is approved by God, and I have my conviction...I will so love fall in love with that child, in fact the child will be my first born, he/she will not feel like that is his/her step mum, and the baby mama, I will want to meet her, if she permits it, get along with her, find out what she's like, and any uncertainties I have or concern I have concerning, I will take it to the Lord in prayer o. We have a commitment to love ... I will choose to her the love of God... and the man, I will ensure he does not fail in taking of the child, the child will not be neglected and heck the child can come to our house any time any day and I will take the child as my own. The rest is history.

    Same notion applies if a man was previously divorced, with this one, I will do my homework well....and naturally pray about it also..fervently.. I will want to know what caused his divorce...it may say a lot about him.

    At the end of the day, we can continue to judge people for the mistakes they may have made yesterday....sometimes we just need to look out and see if they are truly repented, and if God does not judge them, then why should we? And naturally, of course, seek God's counsel in all things...before you make any major steps, and let's God word be the final. Please ladies, men, dont fall for an individual with sweet words.... its value may be little or nothing. Let God test and approve them for you...no matter their circumstance or even what they claim about it. Coz some people can lie and pretend sha.... Those that know their God...are the one that will do great exploits. In other words, in God there is only truth, no deceits.

    My take!

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  13. I concur!

    Baby mamas drama…baby dadas drama (if that ever exist), is neither here or there frankly speaking in my personal opinion.

    Above all else what is paramount for one is, what is God saying? What God is saying is the final authourity…after all he knows the future, does he not? And the scripture says he does not give you more than you can handle…even if you think you cant handle it, he knows you can, so just trust him.

    Decision for marriage should not be based on circumstances or situations like rethots righfully said. What is essential for me is, is God in this? Anyone can have a baby o… anyone…If we ladies are so quick to judge the men or actually right them off….because they already have kids and we would not even consider them…question I have, if it were you, the woman that somehow some way had a child out of wedlock yourself, do we declare all hope is lost for you?

    If the man is saved and you know he is a sincere believer, abeg the most you can do is pray about it, and it is whatever God says you should follow. A person's heart is much more important. You want a man that thirst after God…the one that his heart is sold out to God…the one that even if it is hurting him…his declaration will be God not my will but yours be done. There are loads of men without kids, in fact I tell you they could even be virgins sef…almost, kinda, sorta, and their hearts are not right.

    Yes there may be some dramas here and there, depending on who the baby mother is, but if God be for you, who can be against. Yes you may have to deal with some things, but goodness….God will not lead you to a place where he knows you will be destroyed…if he is saying go…go and just trust.

    If I were the one, if the man is approved by God, and I have my conviction…I will so fall in love with that child, in fact the child will be my first born, he/she will not feel like that is my step mum, and the baby mama, I will want to meet her, if she permits it, get along with her, find out what she’s like, and any uncertainties I have or concern I have concerning her, I will take it to the Lord in prayer .. We have a commitment to love … I will choose to love her with the love of God… and the man, I will ensure he does not fail in taking care of the child, the child will not be neglected and heck the child can come to our house any time any day and I will take the child as my own. The rest is history.

    Same notion applies if a man was previously divorced, with this one, I will do my homework well….and naturally pray about it also..fervently.. I will want to know what caused his divorce…it may say a lot about him. But really what God says is the final authourity.

    At the end of the day, we cant continue to judge people for the mistakes they may have made yesterday….sometimes we just need to look out and see if they are truly repented, and if God does not judge them, then why should we? And naturally, of course, seek God’s counsel in all things…before you make any major steps, and let’s God word be the final word. Please ladies, men, dont fall for an individual with sweet tongues, sweet words…. its value may be little or nothing. Let God test and approve them for you…no matter their circumstance or even what they claim about it. Coz some people can lie and pretend sha…. Those that know their God…are the ones that will do great exploits. In other words, in God there is only truth, no deceits... He cant lie to you, others can, find out what God is saying and go with it.. no matter what anyone else thinks! As long its God, you are moving in the right direction!

    My take!

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  14. wow! This is an entire post by itself. Thank you.

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  15. concurred with kayjay..wanted to write something similar too but since everyone has done a good job, i'll just add that my aunt had an ish like this when she was put in d fam way way back in d past and so it wasnt easy fr her to find a hubby most esp with a culture like naija's own..lol(if you knw wat i mean) but God provided a man for her and they've been married fr a long while now.(altho i think d man had kids too bt isn't the essence of it all her happiness?.
    i think the important thing is that He never got married to the woman and if he loves her and God is saying yes, why say no she should pray, foremost.
    first time here..lovely blog..ff already.

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  16. Thank you so much on you input and I ff back tho. You said right, if God says yes, how dare we say no? "D Thanks!

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